En tant qu’expatrié, travailleur humanitaire ou conjoint accompagnant, développer une bonne écoute est essentiel dans un grand nombre de situations. Et pourtant ce n’est pas toujours facile !
Dr. Brené Brown's research on shame has shown that what people need most is to be heard!
À ce titre, le plus incroyable cadeau que nous puissions offrir aux personnes qui nous entourent, c’est notre écoute ! Un espace pour réfléchir et exprimer à voix haute ce qu’elles pensent et ressentent.
L’importance de l’écoute en expat et dans l’humanitaire.
Développer une bonne écoute est essentiel dans toutes sortes de situations en expatriation ou dans l’humanitaire.
Que ce soit auprès des personnes d’une culture différente de la nôtre avec qui l’on vit et travaille au quotidien, ou avec ses enfants lors de la préparation d’un départ ou d’un retour d’expatriation, ou encore avec sa famille et ses amis restés dans leur pays d’origine. C’est aussi primordial pour les humanitaires qui font face à des personnes souvent en grandes difficultés. D’ailleurs, l’un des facteurs le plus souvent cité comme un défi en cours d’expatriation, c’est justement sa relation aux autres, en particuliers celle avec nos proches restés au pays.
Pour toutes ces situations et bien d’autres encore, la clé de la réussite se trouve dans l’écoute que nous pouvons offrir à ceux qui nous entourent ! Pourtant, bien écouter est extrêmement difficile !
Many things can get in the way of good listening: our own feelings about what is being said, our desire to help and give advice, sometimes our discomfort with certain emotions, our fear of silence, or our beliefs, judgements, expectations and differences... or even our ego.
I'd like to share a few secrets with you on how to develop good listening skills!
#1 - Listen and just listen.
Lorsqu’un proche nous communique ce qu’il pense ou ressent, le premier réflexe est souvent de lui donner des conseils, proposer des actions, de l’aide ou du soutien. En tant que parent, c’est encore plus exacerbé, parce que nous pensons devoir le guider. C’est un premier réflexe naturel et bienveillant, en particulier lorsque nous faisons face à des émotions difficiles comme la tristesse, la colère, la honte.
Yet the person sharing their story is often looking for nothing more than to be heard. And the key to feeling heard is to listen without judgement, without advice, without expectation, without projection.
The person to whom we offer this space will find his or her own answers and solutions.
#2 - Questions rather than advice.
Advice, however well-intentioned, is unfortunately often counter-productive. For the simple reason that we're all different. Our brains have constructed a unique mental map based on our personal experiences. Everyone creates their own, which differs from those of others. And it's for this reason that our brain doesn't accept advice from others, which simply doesn't fit in well with its own mental map.
What's more, our brain has been formatted with a strong need for autonomy. It likes to be in charge, to have choice and control.
Rather than advice, our brain much prefers questions. On the one hand, because it functions and thinks in the form of questions. And secondly, because they give it the autonomy it so loves!
Asking questions rather than giving advice allows the person sharing their story to feel like a player and in charge of finding solutions. Advice may come later, when it is explicitly requested.
#3 - Four attitudes for good listening.
To be a good listener, it's useful to adopt a deliberate listening posture. Here are my coaching tactics. In all my coaching sessions, I favor these 4 attitudes:
- Listening without interrupting: It sounds very simple, but it's quite difficult! Really listen, without wondering what the next piece of advice might be, the pertinent remark to make or the next question to ask. Listen and appreciate the silences: give the person you're talking to some real space, where they can think and express themselves out loud!
- Rephrase what has been said: By rephrasing what has been said, we ensure that we have understood correctly, and above all, we give the person we are talking to the opportunity to hear what they have just said, to correct it if necessary and thus to clarify their thoughts a little more.
- Ask questions: As explained above, instead of giving advice, we can ask questions to help them think a little more deeply. Curious, caring questions: ‘What do you need? What are your options?
- Confirmation: Let the other person know that we understand what they are saying, for example by saying ‘What you are saying makes sense because...’, ‘I understand your feel this way...’. Even if we don't entirely agree with what the person is telling us, by confirming what has been said, we are letting them know that we understand, without bringing our own judgement to bear on the situation.
#4 - How to ask good questions.
There are good questions and bad questions. Here are a few tips to help you identify the right questions.
- Open-ended questions: Make sure that the answer is not just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but requires some thought. Instead of ‘Are you angry?’, say ‘How could you describe what you're feeling?’ or ‘What exactly are you angry about? Start your questions with ‘How...? What...? What...?
- Questions without intention: Avoid leading questions that give the answers or push in one direction. Instead of ‘Wouldn't you be better off changing friends?’, ask ‘What do you think of your friends? Instead of saying ‘Shouldn't you do that?’, ask ‘What could you do?
- Avoid the ‘why?’: The ‘why’ implies a judgement. Rather than saying ‘Why did you do that?’, ask ‘If you could do it again, what would you do differently?’.
- Questions about feelings: Focus on how the person feels, rather than what they say: ‘How did you feel when he said that?’, ‘What do you think of what she did?’.
- My favorite questions: The questions I find particularly useful, because they help us find solutions and move forward, are: ‘What are your choices?’, ‘What do you want?’, ‘What do you need?’, ‘What would you say to your best friend in this same situation?’
- By simply listening and being curious: Without judgement or expectations, we naturally find the questions we need to ask.
#5 - Additional tips for good listening
- Put yourself in the other person's shoes: Put yourself in the other person's shoes, see the situation from their perspective (according to their experience, age, character, situation). Try to feel what they are feeling... and don't let your feelings get the better of you!
- Don't judge: Don't judge the situation or the person, don't project your own opinion, fears or desires. Comments like ‘Your friend doesn't deserve you’ or ‘You're wonderful and they'll soon realize it’ are judgements, even if they are positive, which don't help the person to move forward.
- Don't try to reassure at all costs: ‘Don't worry, I'll be fine’ gives the feeling that you're not being heard. Instead, say ‘I understand how you feel’ and follow up with questions such as ‘What do you need?’ or ‘What support would be helpful?
- Silence is king: Leaving silences opens the door for unexpected things to come out. Silences are powerful, as I see every day in my coaching sessions. Intentionally leaving time for the other person to think, not filling in the silences at all costs... it's often in these moments, in these silences, that the other person will have a ‘Eureka’ moment, an idea, a solution!
And for the most sensitive situations:
- Confidentiality: Depending on the circumstances, remind people that everything discussed remains confidential. This simple reminder of confidentiality is reassuring and encourages a discussion based on trust.
- Replace ‘you’ with ‘I’: During sensitive discussions, when we want or need to share our feelings, instead of saying ‘you’, use ‘I’. Instead of saying ‘You could have told me’, say ‘I wish I'd known’.
Conclusion
Savoir écouter, ça s’apprend et se travaille ! Savoir écouter, c’est essentiel dans la vie, et en particulier lorsqu’on évolue à l’étranger ou dans le secteur humanitaire !
Je t’invite à tester toutes ces petites astuces citées plus haut ! Si elles te conviennent, utilise-les aussi souvent que possible pour les ancrer en toi ! Sache que plus la personne t’es proche, plus c’est difficile d’avoir une bonne écoute ! Pourquoi ? Parce que nos filtres, nos peurs, nos envies teintent nos discussions et réactions. Toutefois, ce n’est pas impossible ! Il s’agit de s’entraîner encore et encore.
Si tu souhaites m’en dire plus…je suis à ton écoute ! N’hésite pas à me communiquer ce que tu en penses !