One of the difficulties most often mentioned when expatriating is that of succeeding in cultivating and maintaining quality relationships, despite the distance and the diferences in our lifestyles!
On expatriation, the challenge of long-distance relations.
En effet, bien que la technologie d’aujourd’hui nous permet de rester connecter, il n’en est pas moins souvent difficile de cultiver de nos amitiés avec l’éloignement. La situation est corsée pour les multi-expatriés qui changent régulièrement de pays de résidence et sèment des amis dans les quatre coins du monde !
Certains aspects pratiques viennent compliquer ces relations à distance. Ils diffèrent selon où l’on se trouve sur la planète : le décalage horaire, la qualité de la connexion internet, les week-ends décalés, etc.
Above all, there is often the challenge of the differences in lifestyle and experience.
Humanitarians often feel out of step with their friends and family back home. They sometimes have the impression that their loved ones don't understand and aren't really interested in what they do. What's more, their intense professional commitments often leave them little time and energy for regular exchanges.
Les partenaires accompagnants qui vivent dans un pays “carte postale” ont parfois ce sentiment que leur entourage les envie. Surtout, ils sentent bien que leurs proches ne voient pas leurs difficultés et défis du quotidien. C’est vrai que les conjoints expatriés se sentent souvent très isolés, en raison de l’absence de valorisation et de compréhension des enjeux particuliers de leur statut de conjoint accompagnant.
For internationally mobile expatriates, the challenges are quite like those already mentioned. They are often short of time, with very demanding professional schedules. For all of them, there is also the need to free up time in their host country, to build up a good social network in the country of expatriation!
Cultivating long-distance friendships is a real challenge. When it doesn't work out as you'd hoped, it's unfortunately also often the source of a great deal of guilt. Even more reason not to neglect this area of our lives!
Cultivating long-distance relations is important, because it has an undeniable impact on your well-being and level of happiness.
I'll tell you more in this article.
L’importance de prendre soin de nos relations sociales.
Selon vous, qu’est-ce qui sépare les gens heureux des gens malheureux ?
The answer to this question can be found in the findings of the longest-ever study on happiness, conducted by Harvard University. It has been going on for 80 years! Over all these years, the lives of 724 people have been scrutinized in detail. This research has made it possible to collect a vast amount of data to understand what differentiates happy people from unhappy people.
The conclusion of this research is that: the 1st factor that influences our level of happiness is our social relationships!
This research also highlights three key lessons:
- Being socially connected is good for us, while solitude is bad for our health. People who are socially connected to their family, friends and community are not only the happiest, but also the healthiest and live the longest.
- When it comes to social relationships, quality is more important than quantity. Living in warm, trusting relationships has a protective effect. The individuals most satisfied with their social relationships at the age of 50 were also those in the best health at the age of 80.
- Quality social relationships protect not only our bodies, but also our brains. People with stable social relationships, or who know they can count on others when they need them, have a much better memory.
This research reminds us how important it is, as expatriates and despite the challenges, to cultivate our friendships and relationships with others!
I'd like to suggest a few ideas, focusing on long-distance relationships for this article.
En expat, comment cultiver nos relations malgré l’éloignement
Prioritize quality over quantity... and let go.
Knowing that quality takes precedence over quantity is good news for expatriates. Yes, we've all experienced it, expatriation leads to a natural sorting out: whether we like it or not, we lose friends along the way. The distance and gap between people's lives affects some relationships. On the other hand, the friendships that last despite the distance are the ones we can really count on. These are our quality relationships!
In over 25 years of expatriation, in 12 different countries, I've realized that from each expatriation I've only kept one or two strong friendships. I have no choice but to accept that others fade away over time. I continue to savor the memories of these friendships, but without remaining emotionally attached to them.
I think the key is not to regret anything, to accept this natural sorting out, to savor those friendships that overcome the obstacles and last in spite of everything... and to learn to let go of those that wither and slacken, while appreciating the good they have brought us.
Redrawing our long-distance relationships
The main task as an expatriate is to do everything, we can to cultivate the long-distance friendships that really matter to us. It's not always easy to nurture our social relationships despite the distance, but it is possible.
What we need is:
Accept that our friendships and family relationships are changing.
Our exchanges take on a different form. Here too, quality takes precedence over quantity! It's no longer a question of seeing each other regularly and sharing the many details of daily life, but rather of having quality exchanges: talking about the essentials, in-depth subjects, having meaningful conversations and sharing the most important moments.
Approach our relationships differently.
We change when we move abroad, and our friends change in their own environment. We may not evolve in quite the same way, but each experience has its value and interest. Sometimes the person who stays behind is a little intimidated by the new life of their expatriate or humanitarian friend, or even accompanying spouse. It's up to us to be open, curious and willing to listen. We're the ones who left, let's not forget that. We shouldn't impose our views, our experiences or our adventures, and we should make sure that, above all, we value our friends' daily lives.
Devoting time to our friends and family, even at a distance.
That's the key, of course. To last, a relationship needs to be nurtured. This means devoting time and attention to them: talking on the phone or by email, thinking about birthdays and special occasions, sending a Christmas card, writing a note, sharing our joys and sorrows. Being as present as possible.
Don't have any expectations when it comes to friendships.
One of the secrets to preserving long-distance friendships is not to have too high expectations. They're all very different. With some of my friends, I'm in regular contact, while with others, who are just as important to me, I rarely talk to them. But that doesn't change our friendship! When we see each other again, we have a really good time together. It's just the way it works that's different. And in both cases, I know that if anything goes wrong, they'll be there!
Accepter l’imperfection de nos relations amicales et familiales.
For me, the hardest thing to live with is when a friend is going through a difficult time and I'm not there to help by being present and listening. I develop a kind of guilt, with this unpleasant feeling of powerlessness! And yes, there's no real solution here... except to accept the imperfection of our friendship, caused by the distance. We can't offer more than a presence from a distance. That said, we can sometimes be surprised to realize that even if we're not physically there, what we bring, this very different kind of support, also helps them... differently. And the advantage of our quality relationships is that they also understand our limitations and imperfections!
Being creative to strengthen our relationships.
Si nos amitiés à distance ne nous conviennent pas, c’est à nous d’être créatifs et à la recherche de solution pour sentir plus proche des nôtres, malgré l’éloignement. J’ai des amis qui ont créé un blog qui permet à leurs proches restés au pays de suivre leurs aventures à l’étranger. J’ai beaucoup d’amis qui ont créé des groupes WhatsApp : l’un pour la famille, l’autre pour un groupe d’amis, un autre pour d’anciens collègues, etc. Cela permet aussi de garder contact de façon plus efficace, même si un peu moins intime. J’ai une cliente dans l’humanitaire qui ont décidé d’écrire une longue lettre à une proche pour renforcer les liens et dire des choses qu’il avait besoin de transmettre depuis longtemps. Il est essentiel de faire preuve de créativité dans la manière dont nous façonnons nos relations avec les autres.
Gratitude for our relationships with others.
And finally, an extremely interesting tip: regularly expressing your gratitude to those close to you, despite the distance. My favorite way is to write a letter of gratitude to someone who means a lot to me. It's a way of feeling closer to them and letting them know how much they mean to me. In this article, I talk in more detail about the power of gratitude to strengthen our relationships with others: The power of gratitude as an expat.
My experience of long-distance relationships on expatriation.
Throughout my many expatriations, I've been lucky enough to develop unique friendships. Some of these friendships were one-offs, lasting only as long as an expatriation. Others are still going strong and will probably last forever. All of them, without exception, have enriched me and continue to enrich me.
J’ai aussi l’incroyable chance d’avoir réussi à conserver quelques amitiés extrêmement fortes qui datent de mon enfance, depuis l’école primaire. Et ce malgré mon départ en expatriation à l’âge de 21 ans, à des milliers de kilomètres (et à une époque sans internet et téléphones portables). Et ce bien que nous ayons vécu des expériences totalement différentes !
J’ai raté des événements importants. Malheureusement, je n’ai pas toujours été là pour fêter les chiffres ronds, les mariages ou les naissances. De leur côté aussi, il y a tout un pan de ma vie qu’ils ne connaissent tout simplement pas et d’autres très peu. Par exemple, avant notre mariage, beaucoup de mes amis n’avaient rencontré mon futur mari qu’une fois (je l’ai rencontré sur le terrain) !
Malgré tout, quand nous nous retrouvons, les moments que nous partageons sont précieux et harmonieux. Et surtout, je sais que je peux compter sur eux. Aujourd’hui, après toutes ces années, séparés, on se dit souvent que la distance à renforcer notre amitié !
I think the secret between us is that we've always managed to keep an open mind, never judgmental, to appreciate our differences and above all... to have been ready to take up the challenge of developing our friendships, with what each of us had to bring to it at different times in our lives!
Conclusion
Si je devais résumer ce qui, selon moi, fait le succès des relations à distance, c’est : d’apprécier la qualité de celles qui durent et de lâcher-prise sur celles qui s’étiolent (tout en continuant à savourer ce qu’elles nous ont apporté), d’apprendre à les redessiner ensemble, d’accepter qu’elles changent, de les aborder différemment, de prendre le temps de les cultiver, ne pas avoir d’attentes particulières, d’accepter l’imperfection de nos amitiés à distance, d’être créatifs…toujours !
So, what about you? How have you redesigned your friendships? Who can you count on? Which relationship(s) would you like to deepen and cherish? What can you do to strengthen the ones you don't have, or agree to let go? Are there people you could or should get back in touch with?
Pour passer concrètement à l’action, vous pouvez tout de suite prendre votre agenda et planifier d’appeler un ami, remplacer une soirée télé par l’écriture d’une lettre ou d’un mot de gratitude, prévoir pour les vacances de vrais moments de qualité avec les personnes qui comptent !
It's vital to attach special importance to our long-distance relationships... for our own happiness as well as that of our friends!
PS: Regarding the research mentioned above, if you'd like to find out more, I invite you to watch this very interesting TED TALK: Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED